First off, I wanted to say thanks for the kind comments on my last post. I'm beginning to feel a little better. I was looking through some pictures last night and I thought to myself "I had a life before this." And I realized that I will not let this consume me. This is the 1st day of the rest of my life and I'm moving on (This is what I'm pushing for anyway).
But before I forget, I must post about something:
I LOVE THIS BOY!
At 29 years old I guess he's technically a man, but either way- I love him. And it's not just because he makes me laugh. I've loved him since I was 15, but it's amazing how much our love has grown. With each year that passes my love for him grows stronger. But it's through the tough times that I truly realize how much more I love him. When we found out that we were pregnant he asked me "does it sound bad if I say that I love you more now?" and it didn't. I completely understood what he meant and I'm sure all of you who are parents understand as well. Something about a love for your child's mother/father, right? Anyway, I felt the same way. Then, all of this happened. And my love for Gavin changed again. It grew more. Because he was there for me. He knew what I was feeling and was sad like me. He sat with me through a two day movie marathon, brought me meals in bed, and continuously asked "what can I do, Beeb (which is what he calls me)?" The sad thing was, I was ungrateful. I didn't tell him "thank you" for doing these things. My fowl mood and bitterness remained strong, even towards him. I figured he was just going through the motions. Doing what he had to do. But then I went in for surgery. I'd never had surgery before. I was scared to death. I begged Gavin to stay with me, not to leave me alone. I didn't want to be alone until they put me to sleep. When the nurse came in he asked if he could go with me and explained that I didn't want to be alone. But the nurse said no. I was hysterical, crying so hard I could not breathe. And for only the second time in the twelve years that we've been together (the first time being our wedding), Gavin cried. As he walked beside me down the hall as far as he could, with tears in his eyes, I realized that he wasn't just going through the motions. He was doing all of this because he loved me and cared about me (not that I doubted his love, I was just in a bad place). I came out of surgery with a different attitude towards Gavin for the first time in four days. My bitterness subsided as I realized he was going through a tough time too. It wasn't just me who was suffering, he was too. Although the past week has been rough, Gavin has stayed strong and loved me no matter what. I haven't always been the nicest person, but he's still been here for me. And for that, I love him even more.