I am full of it. I found out that two of my good friends are pregnant this week. I feel like I reacted in the right way. I told them both I was happy for them. The problem is, one of my reactions was more forced than the other. The first friend I was happy for. She has had miscarriages in the past, so when she told me she was pregnant I was that glad that this pregnancy was going well for her.
But the other, was different. I said I was happy for her. I told her congratulations. But later, it started to sink in. I think what was hardest was her saying it was an accident. How is it so easy for a person to accidentally get pregnant, but so hard for someone who's been trying for so long? It just doesn't seem fair.
I tried to let it go. But last night it came back- at 4a.m. as I laid in bed. I told myself: I don't want her baby, I want my own. Which is very true. But then I realized: I will see her more often than the other friend (way more often) & watch as her belly grows. My belly should be growing too. Then, I thought: I'm supposed to give her a shower. I have given her one before. Not only that, but the shower will have to be around my failed pregnancy's due date. Then I think, I don't know if I can handle that. So that makes me a bad friend. I feel like a horrible friend for having these thoughts and feelings.
I'm so ashamed for the way I feel. I also feel bad because neither of my friends wanted to tell me in the first place. And although I understand, it hurts that they dreaded telling me something that they should be so excited to tell. I felt like I was getting better. Everything that's been going on was off my mind. Then all of this happened and it brought back feelings that I thought had disappeared.